Regret is harder to manage with brain cancer. I’ve made a couple larger mistakes since my diagnosis in 2019. Dealing with the fallout of those decisions is challenging. Regret is not a new feeling, of course. I made loads of mistakes pre-brain cancer, especially when I was still drinking. The difference is that before brain cancer, it was easy to assume I had the benefit of time on my side. Focusing on the possibilities of the future was a lever I could pull to eject out of regretful thinking. There was no definitive reason to think I didn’t have plenty of time to overcome a bad outcome, to make amends, etc.
Now, every day I am operating with the impact my disease has on my lifespan. The daily reminder of my mortality. Regrets are harder to overcome. It’s hard to brush off and let go of bad outcomes because I fear I’ve made mistakes that will somehow negatively impact everyone I care about. And on the flip side of that, every new decision is harder to weigh.
This mental dynamic is especially challenging in the professional setting, for example. I constantly debate with myself about the type of work life I want to have. There’s a tug of war between wanting to maximize the time I am present with family and friends and ensuring I am providing for my family. Most people have to deal with this balance. The stakes are just higher with brain cancer. There’s less margin for error. Making career decisions with this backdrop is tough.
I don’t have it figured out. What I know is that I am lucky. I have valuable career experience that gives me options. And though at times I feel selfish exploring them, it’s been helpful lately to move forward with the mindset of “why not” consider all possibilities and compromise as little as possible when it comes to finding a work life that provides a satisfying balance. This approach may result in an unusual resume with many stops in a relatively short amount of time. Maybe that’s a negative thing on its face, but lately it’s felt good to take risks, be candid, and aim to not worry about what other people think.
The other thing I know for sure is that time with my family and friends is the most important thing. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be told my cancer has advanced and I have a super short amount of time left. I think about what my regrets would be then. That I didn’t work enough? That I made a bad decision professionally? Or would it be that I let my professional life diminish my ability to be a good husband, father, son, friend, etc.
There are a few things that are helping me with regrets and decision making:
The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig. Someone mentioned this book to me about a year ago. I usually don’t read books like this, and there is some deeper meaning to the story that has to do with parallel universes and quantum something or another, but the basic story was helpful for me in respect to a different way to think about decisions. The super short summary is that sometimes decisions you make that result in regrets are actually the best decisions you could have made.
Therapy. I have cited this tool before. It helps so much. Therapy always helps to simplify the overly complex decision matrix I walk around with in my head.
This HBR Article discusses using your instinct / following your gut when making decisions. I find the framework helpful for weighing professional decisions.
Nick